


Here

by crisfeline



Category: Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Injury, Loss, M/M, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2019-02-01 13:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12705909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crisfeline/pseuds/crisfeline
Summary: It was understandable to feel such pain, he had been wounded by death herself.





	1. Homeless

There was no suffering for him in the midst of the battle. Nothing hurt while he had to fight for all of them, for himself, for all he believed in. He could be bold, brave, unstoppable. He even enjoyed the power running through his whole body. But battles and wars finish and then it’s the time for loss and pain. His whole head throbbed. He had felt acute physical pain before. Of course he had. But nothing like this.

 

Pain is different for a god. Pain is different when you have thousands or millions of years to live, when you know it won’t kill you, when the injury that causes it is not life threatening. But pain was a god itself. Being a god and a warrior didn’t mean Thor would be immune to pain. It overwhelmed him the moment he closed his door and his reassuring smile faded on his lips.

 

He hissed lightly, careful not to be heard. He had allowed a healer to clean the wound, to wash the empty eye socket, to put an eyepatch over it. He had barely moved or made a noise while the healer carefully worked on him. He needed to wash himself. He wanted warm water and time to heal himself if he could. He was severely wounded. Every blow from Hela’s knives would take longer to heal than usual. They hurt badly but not as terribly as the nerves that had once connected to his lost eye. It was understandable to feel such pain, he had been wounded by death herself.

 

His people waited for him outside. His people, the ones left. He barely had time for a quick washing up and for getting dressed. He went out, they gave him a throne and he had to talk to the survivors, reassure them, comfort them, smile to show them it was still possible. Be brave. Ignore the pain for a while longer. That’s how he kept himself going. Just a while longer.

 

Before that, there had been a reunion with Loki. Recovering him was a gain among so many losses. He had showed up there in his room, and Thor had barely had the time to compose himself and look calm. He had thought Loki had sent an illusion. And then Loki said “I’m here.” Thor couldn’t resist Loki, he never could. They held each other. He wondered if Loki felt the tension in his body, his pain. For a moment he just felt Loki solid in his arms, Loki’s scent always so lovely, so enticing and familiar even after years separated. He wanted to keep Loki there in that silent understanding, in the warmth of that embrace. He kissed Loki’s neck and heard him sigh. Loki held him too and he was fighting his overwhelming feelings for Thor as he held him.

Thor hadn’t wanted to be Asgard’s king before. After his time in Mdgard he had lost all interest in it. And now Odin was gone and he had to be king. Even Loki supported it this time. He felt pain when he smiled, he briefly talked about hope to his people, to Asgard with Loki standing there next to him and with his new friends who were also there. They watched Asgard burn. It was painful to admit, to learn and understand it had had such a dark past. He and the surviving Asgardians were not to blame for the sins of their parents, though. For Thor, and for the others, what burned and disappeared was not the realm eternal, what they had lost was home. Even gods and immortals get attached to places. It didn’t matter that Asgard was its people and not a place. That planetoid had been the place where Thor and Loki had grown up, the place that had witnessed their happiness, their sadness, their hopes and sorrows. It hurt to lose it. It was time to look for loved ones among the survivors. And he feared he would have to confirm even more losses, personal ones, that would make it even more painful to keep smiling. The living were all homeless now.


	2. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki goes back to Thor, they need to talk.

Loki entered Thor’s room again. The course of the ship was decided and he felt things with Thor should be further discussed. They were navigating to Midgard already. He was surprised when he saw Thor lying on his back on his bed, dressed but sleeping. They didn’t need sleep but sleeping and dreaming are pleasures not even gods can easily give up. 

He walked toward the sleeping figure and took a deep breath. Stupid, annoying, clumsy Thor, he thought as he reached to gently touch Thor’s hand that was resting on his chest. The warmth of Thor’s skin on his fingers brought back many memories of them growing up in Asgard.

 

As a young Aesir boy, Thor had wanted to be a king. Loki remembered how, while they were growing up, Thor was sure they would reign one day. Yes, Loki and him both thought they would be kings. In their innocense they had believed they’d be kings together. They did everything together so it was just natural for them to think they would both rule Asgard. 

 

And then, after Odin banished Thor, Loki’s golden brother had completely changed his mind. Thor had been to Midgard before but not as a mortal. It was mortality that taught him many lessons. It tamed his pride, it regulated his impulsiveness, it showed him unexpected strenghts and powers that come from patience, forgiveness and love. It showed him that he was strong because of what he loved, because of the values he protected and all the things he treasured in his heart. He learned to feel vulnerable, humble. He became more thoughtful. And he had also learned to be completely free.

 

Loki realised Thor had felt this kind freedom he had never known before. While in Midgard he was just a mortal, he was not an almighty being that had to protect the realms. No one expected so much from him. As a mortal he knew no one expected him to do more than what was possible for him.

 

Freedom comes in degrees. And now Thor had lost almost all of his. As the warrior-protector prince of nine realms he had given up a great deal of his freedom already and he had done it gladly. But he hadn’t wanted the throne because that would mean he would lose what he had left of his liberty. Loki had thought power would set him free but now he wasn’t so sure. Maybe no one ever is truly free, maybe you’re just free to choose the kind of obligations and ambitions you have. 

 

He frowned when he saw Thor’s eyebrows knitting in his sleep. His jaw tensed and a pained little groan escaped his full lips. Pain. Thor was in pain. Even in his sleep he was in pain but he wouldn’t tell anyone. He wouldn’t complain. But Loki knew. His eye hadn’t been plucked out of its socket, it had been burnt, all the sensitive nerves set on fire but Thor kept fighting, he fought through that excruciating pain, he ignored it. But now he was alone with the distress and couldn’t escape it even in his sleep. 

 

Loki would not let anyone, not even Thor himself know how much he worried and grieved for that eye. One of many loses. “It suits you.” He had said but he was thinking that his eye was missing, his beautiful, sky blue eye and instead of it there was a hollow of tortured nerves that would heal but before that they would give Thor a pain only gods can endure. He grieved for Thor’s loses. He would pretend he didn’t. He felt that Thor didn’t need to feel he was grieving. Thor’s reaction would be to get into action. He always did that but Loki feared he could not be able to keep himself busy to deal with sorrow for long. He knew now you can’t rely on your coping strategies forever. 

 

What Loki truly wanted was to pull Thor up so that he could rest his weary head on Loki’s chest. He wanted to cradle it and hold him and be sweet and loving and free with him as they had been when they were young and innocent. Sweet, spirited, clumsy, loving Thor, all warm hands and arms and laughter. Before he knew it Loki was doing it. He had Thor’s head resting on his chest and he was holding him. Thor woke up and tensed.

 

“No…” Thor whispered.

 

(tbc)


	3. Saviour of Asgard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wanted to run. He didn’t want to feel so much. He realised he wasn’t ready to have Thor’s trust back so completely. Thor was showing him his pain openly and it was so intimate it worried Loki, it hurt Loki as much as if it hurt Thor.

3  
Loki tensed a little when Thor spoke. He expected to be pushed away because Thor had said no but instead his powerful arms wrapped around him and he pressed the side of his head to Loki’s chest. 

“Please, no.” Thor whispered but kept holding Loki and he shook slightly, almost unnoticeable. But Loki felt it. And he understood. It was easier to pretend you weren’t in pain and suffering if no one else knew it or acknowledge it. 

Loki knew and Thor was unable to pretend he was fine. He wept silently on Loki’s chest.  
Loki held him tighter, protectively put his hand on Thor’s head and he painfully missed his long, blonde locks even when there was some appeal in feeling the warm skin, his scalp under the short hair.

“Should I call the healer? Do your wounds hurt too much? She stabbed you several times. We have dozens of healers on board.” Loki said softly.

“They’ve seen to my wounds. They’re healing as we speak.” Thor’s voice was soft, he was trying to sound normal and calm.

“What is it, then, Thor? You can tell me.” Loki sounded almost tentative, careful because he didn’t know if he had recovered Thor’s trust completely or if it was still lost.

Thor chuckled lowly, it was almost mocking but he wasn’t mocking Loki. He sniffled and kept holding Loki to him.

“It’s my eye.” He said so softly and his voice broke a little. He let out another little laugh, he was laughing at himself as if he were sad and in pain over nothing important.

“Does it hurt too much?” Loki asked fearfully.

“It won’t kill me. It hurts only a little more than the other wounds but...I miss my wretched eye. I lost it. I still feel as if I had it. And it’s father, and Asgard... I want to ask Heimdall about Hogun, Fandral and Volstagg but I don’t dare. I don’t want to know. It they were among the survivors, they’d have come to talk to me already... And Mjolnir. I know now I don’t need it but I was so fond of it and got so attached to it.” He went quiet and then after a few minutes of silence he sobbed lowly, muffling the sound on Loki’s chest.

 

Loki wanted to run. He didn’t want to feel so much. He realised he wasn’t ready to have Thor’s trust back so completely. Thor was showing him his pain openly and it was so intimate it worried Loki, it hurt Loki as much as if it hurt Thor. He didn’t run, though. He held Thor tighter and stroked his hair gently, soothingly. He let Thor weep there and he wept with him. Now he was aware Thor could feel and hear him sobbing as they held each other.

“I know.” Loki whispered. He was usually so eloquent but not then. He felt impotent, nearly speechless.“I wish I knew how to comfort you.” He said.

“You know how to. You’re doing it.” Thor replied, sounding calmer now. He lifted his head. His tear duct hadn’t been damaged but it was wounded and there was a streak of blood stained tears down his cheek. Loki wiped it gently with his thumb. Thor smiled.

“I’ll get back on my feet again, Loki. We have a realm to protect and organise.” Thor said and sounded still vulnerable but he seemed calmer now, hopeful. And he had said we. We have a realm...that was all Loki could think of, he said we.

Thor smiled sweetly at Loki. “And my hair, Loki...” he was smiling almost amusedly though his eye filled with tears. “I’m so upset they cut my hair! I know it will grow but...you know how I feel about my hair.” He laughed a little, almost embarrassed of being vain.

“You look good like this but I miss your long hair, too.” Loki smiled at Thor and then Thor moved up and kissed Loki’s forehead.

“But you...you are back with me. That is my main motivation, to know you’re here. Really here.” Thor had managed to move Loki so that they were lying together, holding each other.

“I’m so proud of having Asgard’s saviour here in my arms.” Thor said after a while of just lying there in silence, enjoying each other’s presence and there was a playful glint in Thor’s eye. “King of dramatic entrances, Loki, really!”He teased Loki and Loki was both delighted and surprised.

“I came just in time.” Loki said trying to sound smug but he sounded vulnerable, sweet, tamed by Thor’s trust and warmth at least for a moment.

“You looked like your statue, you know? /Your saviour is here!/ with arms raised and all and your huge cow horns!” Thor was cupping his cheek as if he were telling him sweet things but he was playfully teasing him. “And the statue’s crotch, Loki...did you really have to exaggerate it in a statue? Isn’t it enough to show off your endowments in those tight trousers of yours?” Thor laughed. 

Loki smacked the back of Thor’s head.

“If you got it, flaunt it.” Loki quipped and Thor laughed openly and then he hugged Loki to him and kissed his forehead and head over and over.

“I missed you so much, brother. I missed this. I can’t have this with anyone else. It’s only you. And it gives me life.” He said earnestly as he looked at Loki again.  
Loki blinked, he looked back at Thor and his eyes said it all. He had missed Thor horribly, too. 

“You’re still so maudlin.” he said but Loki was moved, deeply touched. “Did you mean that? Did you mean all you said in the elevator?”Loki dared to ask.

“Before we did /get help/?” Thor asked. Loki nodded almost fearfully. He wanted Thor to say he hadn’t meant it.

(tbc)


	4. Homesick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Then why saying all that? Why saying I’d thrive in that wretched planet made of garbage? Why saying I’ve always wanted to be away from you!” Loki asked getting angrier by the second.

Thor looked down, his smile was wistful. “I think I meant it then.” He said and Loki hoped Thor hadn’t heard his small, sudden intake of breath. 

He wouldn’t admit it but it had hurt horribly when he heard Thor say it the first time and it hurt awfully again now that Thor said he had meant it. 

“I never said I didn’t love you. I never said I’ve ever stopped loving you. I am sure I’m never going to stop loving you, Loki.” Thor’s voice shook Loki out of his sad, tumultuous thoughts and feelings.

“Then why saying all that? Why saying I’d thrive in that wretched planet made of garbage? Why saying I’ve always wanted to be away from you!” Loki asked getting angrier by the second.

“Because I finally accepted that I can’t persuade you to come back home, to come back to me. It has to be you who freely decides it or it won’t be true, it won’t last.” Thor said and he looked down, it was something that hurt him.

Loki looked at Thor, at the pain in his face. There was a time when he thought Thor was not made to look sad. Loki thought Thor’s lips were designed for smiles, for laughter, for kisses. His lively, affectionate brother. He tried to make him suffer in the past and succeeded. But it never really satisfied him. He realised that he hated to see Thor sad. He also felt extremely vulnerable and he wasn’t used to feel like that.

“ Asgard was never home for me. I never belonged there and there was nothing for me there. And you refuse to see that your Asgard was built on lies. Your golden realm is not as bright and lovely as you want to remember it. There was unfairness, injustice, blood under the beautiful veneer. Do you still feel that’s an appropriate home for the virtuous, brave, honest, worthy Thor?” He asked and then he regretted it immediately when he saw Thor’s full, lower lip tremble a little.

“It wasn’t a place of injustice and deceit for us, it wasn’t that for me. Regardless of its dark past, Asgard was home and by the goodness and virtue that thrived in it during our lifetime, brother, Asgard was being redeemed.” He looked down and then back at Loki’s green eyes. “We were raised with love in Asgard, Loki, both of us. Our mother’s love. Father…well, you know he wasn’t a tender, affectionate father. I loved him but I was always terrified of him.” Thor confessed. “Father wasn’t Asgard, father’s mistakes weren’t our Asgard. I’ll always love and miss the place where I found my first and only true love.”

Loki scoffed. “ How maudlin you are! What you had with Sif lasted a season or two! That was rather pathetic and you ended up, stupidly, as friends.” He mocked Thor.

“I meant you! You can’t be such an idiot!” Thor replied indignantly, his blue eye almost flashing.

(tbc)


	5. The only one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Weeping, questions, comfort, love.

Loki blinked and went surprisingly quiet." Don't make fun of me, Thor." He said defensively again.

"I'm not. I won't repeat it because you'll mock me and call me maudlin again, you'll laugh at my sentiment and find me ridiculous. But I meant every word. It was you. It is you." Thor replied but now it was his turn to frown and look down at his hands.

Loki looked at him. How he missed Thor's long, golden locks even when he looked so beautiful with that very short hair. It was unfair that even the shape of someone's skull could be so lovely, so perfect; that the warm scalp under the short hair could be so tempting, so enticing. Loki was distracted by a surge of lust first but then he saw the dismay in the way Thor's shoulders slouched a little. And mixed with the distracting lust came tenderness. 

Loki didn't know what happened to his sneering, mocking, taunting, proud self when he found himself kneeling before Thor's knees while Thor was sitting down. He took Thor's still bruised but always warm hands in his." Just because of that, I'll miss Asgard, too. I also found my one and only true love there." Loki whispered.

Thor didn't seem to react at first but he was looking at their joined hands and he held on firmly to Loki's. He still wondered if Loki meant it but then he thought it didn't matter. He would never truly know what Loki felt for him. But Thor was completely sure about what he felt for Loki.

Loki was unable to hold back the tears. He saw Thor's face and the undeniable warmth and love Thor felt for him in it. He wanted to beg Thor to believe him, to trust him, he wanted to tell him that he truly, really loved him. He felt anguished because Thor surely doubted it.

And even when Thor thought his love for Loki was not requitted, Loki felt overwhelmed seeing Thor didn't care, he didn't mind if Loki didn't love him. Thor would not stop loving him if Loki didn't love him, not even if Loki truly hated him.

"No, no, Loki, don't cry. I'll joke or let you mock me." Thor said and he wiped a tear off Loki's cheekbone with his thumb. 

Loki was silent. Surprisingly at a loss for words. He lifted his hand and touched Thor's head, the hair so short it prickled lightly and the skin of his scalp was as warm as Loki had imagined. He was breaking down, he sobbed when his fingers hovered over the eyepatch. And then he was holding Thor's face in his hands and just looking at it and weeping, chest moving painfully with his quiet sobs.

"No, no, don't cry." Thor whispered his arms wrapped around Loki's waist pulling him up to hold Loki to him.

" You said you thought the world of me." Loki said lowly, trying to make his voice sound even and not so wrecked by his weeping."And you said perhaps...perhaps there was still good in me. Perhaps." 

"And that you are you and I am me...I remember all I said. I still think the world of you, Loki. I accept you're you. And I don't want to change you. I want you cunning, sly, capable of lying and snaring others. I want you to be the trickster, the sorceror...but I want you to be all that by my side." Thor said and he was not hiding his own tears. 

"I don't love you, Thor." Loki replied and Thor's face looked shocked and full of pain." Wait, don't be stupid, I haven't finished." Loki touched Thor's face, touched the tears on his cheek." Loving you has never been enough. I adore you, I've always adored you, unsufferable fool. I never want to fear losing you again." 

Thor couldn't speak. He was overwhelmed with emotion and he kissed Loki as if he wanted to absorb Loki's soul. Thor's hands moved over Loki's body, touching his shoulders, his hair, the back of his neck and it was almost desperate, as if making sure he was truly there with him.

Loki is too impatient not to use his seidr to remove their clothes. Thor surely couldn't imagine how long Loki had dreamed of feeling Thor's warm, soft skin against his again. Thor chortled at that and Loki groaned. Did Thor have any idea of what his laughter did to him? Of what any sound coming from Thor did to him?

They moved together and it was almost clumsy in their eagerness, it had been so long for both of them. Thor was panting, growling, he held to Loki's arms and hips and waist so tightly he left bruises on the pale skin. And Loki was no less desperate, his nails left scratches on Thor's back and neck, on Thor's buttocks, on his beautiful, strong thighs. The way Thor moaned when he licked and sucked on Loki's nipples made Loki feel he would faint with desire. The way Thor gasped and sighed when Loki rubbed on his with a smooth palm and his fingertips drove him wild. And then, it happened, so many things happened and Thor was inside him, moving, filling him, swelling and Loki was so close, so close but he didn't want to let it end. 

He stopped Thor who seemed dazed and confused for a second but then smiled sweetly, almost coyly, when Loki pushed him on his back, when Loki guided Thor's leg up to curl around his waist. Loki could have died of pleasure when Thor arched back, neck exposed completely, a pained moan when Loki entered him with little preparation. Thor was reaching for him, holding him as their hips moved together. Thor felt Loki buried deep inside him and he was kissing him as if it were the first time, as if it were their last time.

After, Thor fell asleep with an arm around him. And Loki was warm, he was sure now only Thor had the power to melt the ice he always felt building around him, that defensive wall he built evaporated when Thor was so close to him. 

He wanted to ravish Thor, looking at him like that, he had just felt him within his body, he had just filled Thor with his seed when his pleasure reached its peak. But he wanted to mark him like that and many other ways again and again.

"Mine, mine, mine only mine." Loki thought. Lust was burning within again. He pushed the sheet and uncovered Thor's body. He could see the multiple stab wounds still healing, and the bruises and he looked up and saw that patch where Thor's eye had been and he held Thor and wept against his shoulder.

" Loki?" Thor whispered, his voice warm, low, sleepy." You're weeping again." He said and he looked down at Loki's face."Why? Do you regret this?" Thor asked and he sounded surprisingly afraid and vulnerable.

Loki didn't know how to answer." Your wounds, they are all over you and...your eye! Your hair." He replied in between sobs.

Thor looked mortified, he pulled the sheet over his body to cover it." I'm sorry. I know I've looked much better than this. Well, sadly, this is what's left." He said thinking Loki found him unappealing.

Loki sat up." You are still the same fool you've always been. Listen to me, Thor Odinson, my king, my brother, my lover, you are beautiful. You make my blood boil with lust. Only you. Nothing can mar your beauty, Thor. I just wish you hadn't gone through any of this. You've suffered, not only now, before this, too. And I brought you suffering myself very often." 

Thor smiled again." I think you learned to hurt me only a little now. And if you like hurting me, you could bite and suck on my skin whenever you want like you did just now. I liked it." Thor said and his little smile was playful.

Loki groaned and gave Thor a rough, sloppy kiss." You're a a lewd, little king, aren't you? But you are my lewd, little king." He said.

"Only yours." Thor replied.


End file.
